Does anything good ever escape from a lab
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
True
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?