Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts