911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.