Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.