Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
pizza
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.