Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?