[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun