I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”