#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
shut up and take my money
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”