Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too