I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.