[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?