So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Ugh
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
😎 🍻
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?