Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Cinematography is my passion
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”