911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning