Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
#damn
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.