My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
You Might Also Like
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I think we should hear other voices.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.