hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.