My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
You Might Also Like
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts