Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
happy friday
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
wtf management?!
Me when my alarm goes off
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.