[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
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Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”