Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]