You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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If you know, you know
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole