[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
What a kind woman! 😂😂
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.