DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
You Might Also Like
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
🤔😂😂
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.