A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
You Might Also Like
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family