I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now