“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.