You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“and how does that make you feel?”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
🚲+physics = winner
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed