Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
fair
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.