[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
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Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD