I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Practicing safe sax
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
it must be school picture day
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?