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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.