“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.