Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
You Might Also Like
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“Huge”.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.