If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee