I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time