A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
what could possibly go wrong?
Danger is very dangerous
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.