Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
i hate you platonically
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
so this horse walks into a bar
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”