Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
be careful
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Barbie gone wild
Krampus.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever