For cardio I live beyond my means.
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Good point.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.