Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.