I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t