[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
X-tra spooky blend
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5