Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
next question.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
kitchen magnet