You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.