I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
me adding lol on a serious message
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.