Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
dogs can find happiness so easily
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal