My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.