My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
This guy’s not having it 😆
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.